Today, at work, it was brought to my attention that I “hold back,” that I don’t jump in and add to conversations. This has been a recurring theme all my life. As a tot, I got in trouble for not wanting to say goodbye to creepy friends of my parents. On a kindergarten report card, Miss Nancy commented that “Amy needs to share more of Amy with the rest of the class.” In high school, I was called to the guidance counselor’s office for “being withdrawn” in my classes.
I have always been a quiet person. Being an artist, I am extremely visual, so words often fail me. More accurately, I have a hard time verbally expressing myself and besides, I can tell when people don’t get it or don’t give a shit and it makes me falter, because why continue past that point?
I prefer to observe and listen. You learn a lot that way. I’ve learned that I dislike most people. That causes me to have even less to say, because chances are, no one will enjoy it. Normally, when I refrain, it’s because I have a stake to protect: employment, education, quality of living, et al. I’ve always gotten flack for just wanting to be left alone.
It’s just me, that’s how I am. I live in the Redneck Republic of Texas. I’m a flaming liberal where EVERYONE approaches under the assumption that you naturally share their beliefs. More often than not, I don’t. My head nearly ruptured during the last two elections. At my last job, the group went out to lunch, and our manager asked each of us how we spent Easter Sunday. EVERYONE had gone to church, until she got to me. >:)
I think it’s inappropriate to even ask, because I assure you they DON’T want to know what I think about their god and what they do in his name, the so-called “sins” they commit freely every day, smugly knowing they can merely ask forgiveness and be absolved. I also loathe being judged, so unless asked, I refrain from saying anything on the topic.
On a secular side-note: This article is interesting - not that I consider myself an atheist. It would be upsetting to consider humans as the pinnacle of sentient life in the universe. In relation to yesterday’s post, I have my own abstract theories that comfort me. Mind you, I inflict this upon no one.
Back to the reason for this post, I work to live, not live to work. I do it so that I can afford the home that I savor and the education that I love the shit out of (but don’t have time to savor or even fully explore). Not to mention my own creative endeavors, I seldom have time for them. All work and no play makes Amy a dull girl.
